1 month and 2 days since i've blogged. changes have been going on in my life and emotions are running high and low many times. being a very low eq person, i tend to let emotions rule over my head sometimes. when i'm high, i'm VERY high. when i'm low, i'm as low as u can possibly get. i can get so low over the smallest things possible that sometimes, it's almost easier to inflict physical pain on myself rather than feel the sourness and painful feeling crept in my heart.

i've been waking up for many mornings and feel extremely sorry for myself. it's the self-despising nature that i've had for myself. i dunno whether do u have this kinda feeling but i don't really like myself for the person that i am. can u hate urself? cause i know i do sometimes. the things and actions i've done it seems so not me when i look back at it. i think i must have lost myself since secondary school. cause ever since, i feel another person (or maybe even 3 or 4) have taken over my body and mind at times and react to things in a way that i myself would dislike. i know i sound like a nutcase now. but at least i hope that at least there can be one person who can tell mi that they actually feel wat i've described sometimes. then i would know that i'm actually not alone.

my working life was a mess. but not exactly now as i must have been realli lucky to have been employed as an environmental engineer (finally) in a renowned environmental engineering company. but it still doesnt feel good now as i face having to pay back one month worth of salary if i were to terminate early, that is, not serving the one month notice. i would prefer not to let out more details on this but to say that, i'm feeling that i'm hanging by this very thin thread and the decision of whether this thread will break or not will depend on the decision made by the HR dept when i go back tomorrow. may i have good news waiting for me.

i'm a mess. my room is in a state of post WW2 with incense papers (do u call them that?) all over my room. why? my mum made my room into a mini storage for them while she folds them into nice lotuses and coins for my late grandma. not that i'm complaining. i wanted to regroup and refile all of my notes and letters and watever others but i'm always procrasinating. like wat i'm doing now. see. another reason for me to hate myself. my table top is sticky (like ALWAYS) and it's always because my arms get sticky when i sweat (i think) and its like, the most disgusting thing ever. there is also this extremely foul smell in my room. i hope there is no rotting things in here. or maybe perhaps the smell of prolonged exposure of stale sweat in the air. but watever it is, the conclusion is that i feel that my room stinks. and i'm always in my room meddling with my computer, that makes mi stink like hell too. no wonder i need so many perfumes to mask the smell.

my family life isnt going so well either. i'm always getting angry and annoyed with my parents, sometimes to the extend of talking very loudly to them. i know i've failed as a daughter. such a failure sometimes that i feel they shouldnt have given birth to me in the first place. why would they wan to bring someone in this world that would bring them so much pain in the heart? i realli do not understand.

my relationship is a mess too. mh always says that i get easily annoyed when he said something that is not to my liking. maybe i am realli guilty of that. but anyhow, i feel that i'm an extreme failure in relationship too. maybe because of the support i've given him and the things that i request from him and this relationship makes him very tired. i do not know. i only know that i've failed as a gerfren too.

so to conclude. i've failed as an employee, a daughter and a gerfren. so u tell me, why am i still living here?

i'm such a total nutcase.

i hope there is a 'next time....'

=(